Character Interview: Sitting Down with Fat Bastard

Yes, I know. Today's blog title is interesting. And so is the character I'm interviewing! Once again, we are going to take a station break (so to speak) and chat with a character who is featured in our upcoming anthology, All Things Dark and Dastardly. This fun persona comes from the darkly creative mind of Steve Metze and his story Aliens v. Fat Bastard. If the title alone doesn't get your interest up about the story, this interview will definitely make you want to check it out!

Imagine that aliens have descended to our planet with the mission of conquering it. How do they plan to show dominance? On the football field! How freaky Americana is that? Unfortunately, the aliens are killing us (literally) during the game. It appears all hope is lost until--well, let's just say one Fat Bastard takes the field.

Let's begin the interview!

Mary Ann: Could you tell us a little about yourself?

 FB: The name Fat Bastard doesn’t do it for you?

Touche. And yes, it certainly paints a picture. Moving on. It seems like football is a big part of your story. Did you realize when you were younger just how important it would become to your life?

Oh no way.  Couldn’t stand the sport back then, can’t stand it today.  But it did help pad my college resume, so, there’s that. 

Ah, the things we do to get into college. So if you could go back and change one day, what would it be?

The day I had with Victoria, of course.  I mean, I wouldn’t try to change what ended up happening, or what she did to me, none of that.  I would just listen to her in a different way… ask her different questions…  

Victoria being the woman who influenced you to take the field that fateful day. Yeah. Considering what happened to you, I'd probably listen to her a little more carefully, too! So are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?  In what way/s?

That’s a joke, right?  I mean, you’ve seen the statue, right?  Heard the songs?  Seen the music videos, read the graphic novel, played with the action figures… 

Okay, okay. Just trying to make conversation. By the way, your action figure is a little overrated. I much prefer your trading card. Anyway, we all know that the aliens in your story are jerks. What is your personal take on them? Do they have any hygiene issues?

It’s all sort of a blur to me know, but, Spike and Bruiser both, now that you mention it, did have a certain… special… scent.  That might have been what they smell like when they sweat though.  Didn’t really get a chance to hang out much in a social setting since we were trying to kill each other and all…  

That does put a damper on things. What is the most important lesson you have learned from life so far?

“So far?”  Oh that’s cruel.  Um, sure, well, OK, I would quote something about even the littlest person being able to change the world, but, you know, Fat Bastard.   

Ouch. Sorry. Wasn't thinking. Is there anything you regret doing/not doing?

I think I turned down a few chili dogs I shouldn’t have.  Wouldn’t have, that’s for sure, not if I’d known what I know now.    

What is your favorite past-time?

Did you even read my story?  I think I’m way past time now. 

Is there anything else you would like to share with us?

Sure.  Lessee, whenever something is really really important, don’t just sit back and watch.  Wow, that’s lame.  Can I start over?

Ha! You could have had a job writing cheesy sayings for Hallmark Cards. Too bad you're dead, man.

Want to know more about Fat Bastard and his claim to fame? Look for All Things Dark and Dastardly to be released on Oct. 21. And don't forget to enter our All Things Dark Contest! 2000 word entries due on Oct. 1 can be emailed to maryannloesch374@gmail.com.